Driven crazy

I have had so many irksome experiences as a motorist recently, I've decided to try to vent my frustrations by putting them into a blog post. By the end of this post you may no longer think of me as a nice person, but hopefully through the process of venting I hope I will be cleansed of some of my rage and consequently become a more agreeable person, both on the road, and in real life! I am planning to categorise my frustrations into different types. If you agree with any of them, let me know, and feel free to share your own...or to tell me I'm a psycho!

Pull out Slowus Annoyingus
This is possibly the biggest of my frustrations, not least because it happens to me most frequently of all. Yes, you have seen me coming along the road, at approximately 50 miles per hour, yet you still decide 'La la la, let's just mosey on out here at 0.2 miles an hour and saunter along not much faster without even bothering to check whether or not a near pile-up has been caused behind'. It is so maddening to have to slow down suddenly and dangerously to a quarter of my speed and then remain at a snail's pace for the rest of my journey just because some people cannot judge the speed of oncoming vehicles! Boo! Rahhh! Etc .

Left Turnimus Eternimus
I get that turning right can sometimes be a lengthy process, it's one of those things that just has to be accepted as part of the package deal of life. However there is nothing more frustrating than when someone is turning left and s....l....o....w....s r....i.........g.............h...............t d......................o..................w..............n to a gearbox bustingly impossible non-speed, even though you could see for miles that the street they were turning into is a wide open paddock and about as free from potential obstacles as the great plains of Siberia. Best to just check though, by grinding to an absolute halt, often without any indication whatsoever, right?? NOOO!

Learnimus Slowimus
Yeah yeah, we've all been there, blah-di-blah, poor them etc etc, so the only thing I can really justifiably say is, PLEASE try to avoid rush hours. Or Sunday mornings when I'm very late for church. Or Saturday mornings when I'm running late for Tae Kwon Do.

Mid life Crisimus
No I will not exchange glances with you at the traffic lights- your gleaming sports car does not hide the fact that you are at least 300 years old and clearly have a toupé.

Tartanus Blanketus/ Cushionus
Good luck to anyone stuck behind a car displaying either tartan blankets, embroidered cushions, worse still, a range of cuddly toys. I guarantee you are in for a tooth-grindingly sloooooowwwww ride.

Espacimus
Also likely to drive irratatingly slowly and/or erratically, worse for the fact that it's impossible to see past the bulking great, oafsome contraption. (sorry to anyone who drives one, I know they're very handy for kids etc etc)

Bodily Fluidus
OK I acknowledge this one is a bit 'out there' but I would like to note that I have never seen a car that is the same colour as a bodily fluid (pee, snot, poo, vomit) driving at a reasonable speed (ie over 10 miles an hour). I'm not sure why this is, but if anyone knows any exceptions to the rule, or can think of any explanation for the above, do let me know.






Tractorus Ignoramus
Apparently in other countries, tractor drivers actually have the courtesy of pulling over every few miles to let the stream of cars that has built up behind them pass. Tractor drivers around my area have clearly never heard of this concept. Oh the minutes, nay, HOURS of my life I will never regain due to ignorant tractor drivers around my area. Please SOMEONE tell me there is a law or a number I can call to report them!!

Cyclimus Pestimus
Yes I know this will be controversial- but I have to let it out of my system and then I can start working through it-Just get your shiny lycra-covered butt off the flipping road and out of my way! There I've said it, now let the healing begin!

Pedestrianus Jovialus
I first encountered this specimen last week when making a right turn across a busy dual carriageway into a petrol station. There was a car coming in the distance but I knew I had time to nip across.... that is until mid-swing I noticed a man on foot who saw me coming, but still made the decision to dander across the road I was aiming for, giving me a jovial and apologetic wave as he put on a 'fake-exagerrated' jog, which was really nothing more than a slow shuffle- very nearly putting me in the dilemma of slowing down and getting crashed into by oncoming vehicle, or ploughing straight into his' jovial 'self. Not.impressssed.

Followus Dangerous
This can be terrfiying and recently was nearly the death of me on the Lisburn Road, with a full carload of Chinese students in tow, might I add. I had pushed my nose out to check there was nothing coming, and the car behind me immediately followed, making it impossible for me to retreat and get out of the way of the oncoming traffic. Chaos ensued, it was extremely dangerous and I'm actually quite surprised we all got out alive!

Queue Jumperus Arrogantus
Yes I would rather run the risk of crashing into the car in front of me than letting some arrogant and selfish driver in at the last minute when the closure of their lane has been warned about for the past 20 miles. I can't stand it when people think they are above waiting in a queue like the rest of us. We're all in a hurry too, bucko!

Green Light Ditherumus
It is almost unbearable when you are waiting in a queue of traffic, knowing that the lights stay red for a very long time, and green for a split second, yet the person at the front of the queue either DOESN'T NOTICE the lights have changed, or decides to take 3 years to get organised, meaning only about 2 other cars get though. There should definitely be a penalty against this, especially at the end of my road when the traffic lights can stay red for up to 3 full minutes at a time.

Door Bangus
It is extremely annoying to have a passenger who thinks nothing of banging the passenger door of your car against another car while making their exit, and worse still, has the cheek to laugh when you ask them not to. The sound of my passenger door being bashed off another car is a million times worse than the nails-down-the-blackboard effect to me, and I will not be impressed if you do it in my car, especially if you are not suitably apologetic, and especially if it happens more than once! (and yes this has happened before!).

One thing almost as annoying happened to me a few weeks ago when a middle aged woman banged her car door against mine quite violently a number of times when loading up her car with shopping. I was sitting in my car at the time, and horrible person that I have become, actually rolled down my window and said 'Excuse me, you're actually hitting my car quite hard, I'm worried you're going to damage it', to which the lady patronisingly replied, 'Don't be silly dear, I'm hardly touching it'. BANG BANG BANG. (that was the door again and not me fantasising about violence...though believe me, by that point, I was getting there!)

Another similar incident occurred last week when I had to park in a very tight spot because the driver on one side was so badly parked, and well over the line. Just after I had returned and was preparing to drive away, the owner of the badly parked car returned, and looked at me with hatred, presumably for parking so close to her, and deliberately banged her door off mine while getting in!! If I wasn't on the high of just having collected a Chinese takeaway I would have raged but soon my angry thoughts were replaced by 'Mmmm prawn crackers...'







Roadimus Ragimus

I was stuck behind a slow van on my way to work last week and the man behind me was clearly having none of it. Whilst turning left off a roundabout, he attempted to do a very dangerous cut along my left hand side, where there wasn't even a lane, so I veered over slightly to ensure this foolish (and pointless, as the obstruction was still in front of me) move did not occur. When I happened to glance in my rearview mirror the guy was doing the strangest miming of giving me a mock exagerrated round of applause. To be honest I have no exact idea why, he looked a bit strange and pathetic but I guess the road rage just got the better of him. Poor guy, he really needs to get some anger management classes under his belt. Or failing that, some blog-o-therapy;) Thanks for putting up with mine, peeps! :)