Maybe she's born with it

Sometimes work just really tires me out. It can be so hard working alongside people without a firm grasp of the English language, and with serious communication problems. Then there's the students. They make it all just about bearable. Last night at the very end of my evening class I had one of those magic moments a language teacher can usually only dream of. What started as a short discussion to faciliate use of new vocabulary items, took off into full flight as a heated and passionate discussion about beauty and personal appearance. Each student was speaking over each other, trying to get their point across, some red in the face from the effort. All they were thinking of was trying to be heard and I was standing back, with a smug glow, as I observed all the real language use that was occurring in a natural context with students no longer even thinking about pronunciation, or grammar, or lack of vocabulary- they had flapped their proverbial wings and flown into this wonderful fluency-based discussion that was purely about getting their point across. Yes, I'm a geek. I couldn't stand back for too long however as each heated point was being made in my direction, and it was up to me to react, make the correct facial expressions, and ensure the quieter students got to speak and the louder ones didn't rant for too long. I have to admit I love the power this gives me, and sometimes I really wish I had this facilitation privelege outside of the classroom, that I could so blatanly and authoratively interrupt people who are ranting on, and say 'Let's hear what Renata wants to say', or 'I think Jerzy is trying to speak, yes Jerzy?'. Unfortunately I know I wouldn't get away with that in a normal social setting, although often it is tempting!

So how did this discussion arise- am I such a wonderful teacher and facilitator that after having been at work since 9am that morning, at 8.45pm that evening I had consciously used my skills and expertise to build up the exactly correct formula to light the torchpaper of this fiery discussion? Er... I don't think so, although I wish this were the case! Truth be told, I had half heartedly thrown the question out to the group at large (directly out of the textbook) hoping that one or two of the more confident students would comment briefly on it, we would all nod and then the students would be relieved when I let them leave ten minutes early. No, clearly the credit for the passion of the discussion was solely due to the topic itself- beauty and personal appearance.

It was extremely interesting to hear how women from a wide variety of cultures (Poland, Portugal, Lithuania, Czech Republic and Romania were all represented) were so passionate about the importance of making an effort to appear beautiful. I say women, because although there were five men present in the classroom, they were all pretty much left standing on the shore looking bemused and slightly dazed as this particular speed boat roared off into the blue. The discussion started around how amazing Madonna looks for fifty years old, and all were raving about how inspirational this is for every woman. I asked if people didn't think this was unfair for the 'ordinary' woman at home, without the time or resources Madge had to invest into this eternal youth. Did they not feel this gave their husbands an unrealistic comparison? One man started to bleat that he actually didn't think Madonna was that attract...but few heard him as everyone launched into speaking at once, in a cacophony of full volume and speed. One woman even voiced her view that if a woman doesn't look after herself and her husband has an affair, the woman is more to blame than the man. Although a few acknowledged this as extreme, the vast majority were in passionate agreement with the concept. But what about women who are less blessed with natural beauty in the first place? Or those who lose their looks in a terrible accident? Or those who have had a large number of children and haven't the time or money to make the most of themselves? NO EXCUSE was all I heard of the reply, with the wave of noise that roared towards me. I was glad there was no mirror there to reflect my 'end of a very long day' appearance, and started to wish I could reapply some lippy or run a brush through my hair before continuing to participate in this frighteningly honest discussion. I invited a mild-mannered Polish gentleman into the conversation, who had the lack of foresight to insist very sincerely that his attraction to woman was based on personality and character alone. If sound waves had the power to force someone out of a room, this poor polite creature would have been propelled out the door into the corridor at great speed on a tsunami of laughter and scorn. Suddenly there were threats to put him in front of a line-up of women and see if he really picked the ugly one etc etc. Another Polish guy tried to dispel the tension by telling us a humourous anecdote about how he approached a slim woman in a miniskirt who was sitting at a bar, only to find when she turned to face him, he was horrified to find that she was in her late sixties at the very least. The question of modesty calmed everyone down, and allowed most to concede that a balance was important, and that both extremes should be avoided- neither should we do absolutely nothing to promote oursleves, nor should we invest our entire self esteem into looking attractive, and we should definitely not dress in ways that are immodest for our age range.

At some point during the discussion, I shared something I had read in a magazine a few days earlier, about how when police are trying to catch a male 65 year-old criminal, they will sometimes use the technique of a glamorous woman seducing him in order to lure them into a trap. Somehow the man will always believe that the woman has fallen for his charms and good looks, no matter how non-aesthetically pleasing he is! However if trying to arrest a 65 year old woman, they would never send along a male model in his twenties, as clearly the woman would just laugh him out of the room. All students seemed to agree with this, even the men. Then we agreed that men are wired to be drawn to beauty, while woman take into consideration a variety of factors. Brings to mind a quote from Mrs Merton: 'So, Debbie Magee, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?' Also the question of our wider culture, where in the fairy tale 'Beast' and 'Quasimodo' are males, eventually beloved by exceptional beautiful females. And has anyone ever heard of a 'Thai groom?' Or a 'trophy husband?' Not to forget the American TV show, Beauty and the Geek , WHICH I LOVE, where pretty girls and geeky guys are teamed up for challenges during which they can teach each other and learn how to overcome their insecurities and obstacles. Often I wonder what it would be like if it was the other way round and they brought geeky gals in to teach attractive himbos some life lessons. I'd be first to apply if they did, but somehow I can't see how that particular formula would wash with the viewing public.

As I drove home last night, somewhat enlivened by the unexpectedly stimulating end to the lesson, it got me to thinking about how perhaps the openness of other cultures has helped them to work out the importance of beauty in their lives and to be able to speak honestly on the topic, despite some extreme views. I don't remember ever having had such a frank discussion with friends and family on that topic, it seems to be much more of a taboo here. There is something refreshing about calling a spade a spade and taking pride in 'making the most of what you have.' Over here the message is blurry. We all know we're somehere on a scale from Grotbags to Jolie, and on a rational day, in our heart of hearts, all females could probably all place themselves rather accurately on that scale. However in our weaker moments, one compliment can make us soar to feeling like a hot diva for days, and one rejection can cause us to feel like we should kid ourselves no longer and just grab that broomstick and fly back to the pink windmill where we belong. We grow up identifying with Adam Duritz's heartfelt cry in Mr Jones 'I wish I was beautiful...' and Janis Ian with 'I learnt the truth at seventeen, that love was meant for beuty queens, and high school girls with clear-skinned smiles...'I'm sure every woman has had the experience of thinking she is getting somewhere with a guy and that an interest is slowly growing, only to find a prettier girl has just had to flash one clear-skinned smile and the guy is right over there leaving us in a trail of dust. Friends tell us 'You're better off without him, he's too shallow', even though we know deep down it isn't true- as at the end of the day men will be true to what they want, and we all want a man to want and pursue us sincerely and above anyone else- and not because they are such a kindly and self-sacrificing person they took pity on us!

Even at 28, it all seems like such a mystery still, whether or not you have 'it', the 'mojo', the 'je ne sais quoi', the 'va va voom'- and how on earth you're supposed to start this snowball of confidence rolling if it was squashed to a murky slush in your teenage years. There's something refreshing and freeing about the Eastern European ladies' clarity and transparency in it all- just put a bit of elbow grease in and you'll be fine. It seems to them that being attractive is a clearly defined responsibility for all women, unlike here where it sometimes feels like a competition to be won, like an exam at school where people secretly swot away at home while they turn up the next day pretending they haven't bothered. 'Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline.' My Eastern European friends would perhaps say- 'Of course it's Maybelline, now hurry up and get some on your face!'