I don't have no time for no monkey business

There are three key questions that I most frequently find myself being asked in a small talk context :
#1.'How's the love life'?

#2. 'How's work?'

#3. 'How's the house going?'

Recently I've noticed that I've found myself struggling to answer #3 with anything more than a helpless shrug or a couple of conversation-killing statements such as 'It's just a base', or 'Yeah it's still there'... or giving the statistics on the latest rodent death toll.

Don't get me wrong, I always appreciate it when people make an effort to connect with me, almost especially so when they have no specific conversation to make, as it shows their willingness to be friendly and take an interest in me. Similarly, when I see people on their own , or foundering in a group context, I would hope for them to make the same concession when I try to strike up a conversation with them. I always hope that even though the initial interaction may be clumsy or cliched, or involve me making an unfunny joke or random comment, they will overlook it and see the message is meant to be that I want to be friendly and inclusive. For this reason, I would always rather people ask me a predictable question than overlook and ignore me. (However, the obligatory exception to this rule was definitely the time a Chinese student saw fit to bridge a conversational gap with the question, 'Deborah, why you so faaaat?' In this case being ignored and left to my own devices would have been FAR preferable!) Please forgive this long disclaimer that has caused a serious diversion from what I wanted to say in the first place. Now excuse me while I go back to my first line to try and remember this blog was actually meant to be about.... (feel free to do same!)

Oh yes, so it always kind of makes me founder a little when people ask me 'How's the house going?' This question, I have noticed, is increasingly trumping the previous top two in my small talk interactions. Usually I am grateful when people avoid question #1, (see first paragraph) especially when I don't know them that well and I fear they are looking at me with judgement or disdain, or worse still, about to offer a 'Helpful Suggestion'. (however, conversely, if too many people avoid question #1 it does make me start to panic slightly and think 'Have I reached the stage where people have just stopped asking? Do they know something I don't about some invisible deadline I have accidentally passed?) Question #2 used to be a safer option, when I was enjoying my job, and the worst people would get would be an enthusiastic babble about all the different things I do. Lately it has been more of a rant-and-moan fest, so it is perhaps understandable why people are aiming for the house question as safe chatting territory.

At the risk of causing everyone I know to avoid trying to speak to me altogether (please don't do that!) I have to say that Question #3 sometimes causes a wave of panic and defensiveness to rise up within me. I think it's the use of the verb 'to go' when they say 'How's the house going'? as if it should be changing and developing all the time. Truth be told, very little has changed in my house since the initial period of activity when I first moved in, so when people ask me how it is going I perhaps feel guilty that it is not so much of an ongoing project as perhaps it would be if I wasn't so lazy/had more money/didn't keep breaking things and having to replace them/ didn't live on my own. I feel guilty that I haven't really worked out how to get curtains sorted, and have now stopped noticing that I lack them. I feel like apologising to my student self of the past who earnestly and enthusiastically decorated every room she lived in and couldn't imagine anything better than eventually having her own house to put a quirky and indiviual stamp all over. I feel bad that when people come to stay they have to use my not-that-great-but-good-enough-for-me shower, and my way-less-than-fluffy towels. Sometimes I want to pre-emtively and defensively tell people that I haven't yet had the privelege of going round Debenhams with a magic gun to bleep the luxury items I require. This was an issue with me long before I ever knew it would be my issue. As a child, I always thought it was so brutally and horribly unfair that the people who had to live on their own also had to be the ones without any great furnishings and crockery to cheer them up. I cried real tears about people who had to choose their own saucepans in which to cook their lonely meals, while others were bountifully blessed with both love and Le Creuset. In fact, the reality of it hasn't turned out to be anywhere as near as bad as my indignant young self used to feel so keenly. Actually, I did pretty well out of housewarming presents in the end anyway! And I feel a whole lot less guilty about the regular event of me chipping, cracking or smashing my cheaper items. (Plus, let's be honest, I still live in hope of getting to do the zapping thing some day, and then my dilemma will be the one my sister is currently facing- where to put it all!)

As well as the surprise of having (almost) reconciled myself to the 'stuff envy' issue, I actually find that I actually quite enjoy living on my own: coming and going as I please, doing what I feel like, not having to bother doing what I don't feel like doing, having whoever I want round, whenever I like, having the monopoly on the TV, stereo and bathroom. For now I can agree with a saying I once recoiled from:

'Better to walk alone than be badly accompanied'.

Right now, I would much rather live by myself than live with anyone who would not be a good accompaniment to my life! I am not thinking of my whole life plan here, but just saying that for now...it works. And I am actually starting to feel a little apprehensive about the thought of relinquishing any of the above benefits and comfort, but I still hope that someday I will meet someone who it's worth making the compromises for!

Another issue about living in my own house (an issue that I would have whether on my own or not) is getting rid of my fantasy of living somewhere where I constantly have the kettle on the boil, and a steady stream of visitors are popping their jovial heads around the door admiring my potted plants and chatting the evenings away. I know that this just doesn't happen anywhere and maybe I need to blame the unrealistic vision I have in my head on too many TV programmes where this occurs , 'Neighbours' and 'Friends' , to name two without even thinking too hard. Even in the wonderful, rose-tinted St. Andrews days, this didn't happen as much as I would have liked, after the novelty of living in halls in first year had worn off, and work deadlines had kicked in. I guess the thing that put the final nail in the coffin of my fantasy is the mobile phone. No-one just pops in unannounced anymore, without at least sending a text first, and to be quite honest I would be quite horrified if someone made the trek to Carryduff without checking first as a) I'm usually out and b) When I'm in I am never ever sitting twiddling my thumbs and thinking 'I wish someone would call in now' -if I want to see someone I'll just pick up my phone and make an arrangement. c) I don't have any potted plants.

I have to say that my experience of living on my own thus far has been a lot more positive than the implication in the Freddie Mercury song from which this blog title comes. (see http://www.lyricsfreak.com/q/queen/living+on+my+own_20112435.html for full lyrics or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTYNW8UmcQI for video).Yes I don't have a lot of time on my hands (for monkey business or otherwise) and if I did sit in feeling sorry for myself, I would have no-one but myself to blame. Life can be lonely at times for everyone, whether married or single. But with regard to the line 'Got to be some good times ahead'- while I hope this is the case, I have to say that the good times are definitely here already! I am very fortunate to have my house, job, church, friends and family and so much more. And if you are ever brave to make small talk with me again, whatever your opening question may be, I sincerely hope that my answer and attitude will reflect the above!